They say when it rains, it pours; man they weren't kidding.
If anyone had asked me two months ago what I'd be doing in the next year, I would have gleefully responded with all the plans, dreams, hopes, and ambitions I had and even boasted about what direction I saw my life going. In the next year I thought I would be up for a promotion (or at least a pay raise) at work, traveling with my entire immediate family, possibly moving into a new house, and I even thought I'd be planning a fabulous wedding.
Fast forward, 25 candles and a few weeks later to the present. None of the things I was so eagerly looking forward to are going to happen.
This quarter life crisis was set into motion back in December when my Nana, the most graceful, beautiful inside-and-out, amazing woman I know, passed away. I understand that death is a part of life and loosing a grandparent is in the natural order of things, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Nana was more than a relative I saw on special occasions and got greetings cards from. Not only did she raise me for the first several years of life, but she was also my closest confidante. Most people probably talk to their grandmothers every few weeks or months, but not me; I talked to Nana at least twice a day. She served as my friend, my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, my advisor, my spiritual guide and a large part of my heart. Her death was unexpected and left me quite devastated. I can't tell you how difficult it is to pick up the phone out of habit, only to realize there won't be anyone to answer on the other end. If there's one thing that sticks out about what her death has taught me, it's that life can change unexpectedly and there's not enough time on this earth to live any portion of it unhappy.
After her death and the worst holiday break ever, I returned home. Little did I know that everything I was familiar with would soon change too. My boyfriend and I have had rough patches before, but by my patience and the Grace of God, we have always managed to work things out. Prior to Nana's death things had been a little tense between the two of us. He was going through his own personal and financial struggles and I did not realize how much of his problems I was taking on.
I'm a fixer. I always go above and beyond to try and fix things, whether I'm asked to or not. There comes a point though when you can't fix things anymore. I loved this man, more than I've ever romantically loved anyone before. He had some personal issues from his chaotic childhood, from being in the military and from basic genetics. I knew he was flawed, but I loved him nonetheless and wanted to support and help him through his struggles. Previously I had always helped him through his "episodes" but somehow I knew this time was different. I've always ignored the hurtful things that were said out of anger, but you can only ignore things for so long. The words that used to be said out of anger became the new norm. He was constantly angry and he let stress and his demons consume him. I was no longer a priority in his life. I understand when things aren't going your way how easy it is to pity yourself, but I can't understand how the one element in your life that is going good, is the one you choose to neglect. I can take a lot of things, but being taken for granted isn't one of them.
We had an argument and he started his normal stab at me banter "I'm leaving, maybe we shouldn't be together." I guess he expected me to act as I always do and calm the storm and say "No please don't go, you don't really mean it…" but this time I didn't. Like I said before I realized life is too short to live unhappy and this relationship was no longer making me happy. I didn't want to live like this, to always have to ask someone to be with me, to always be building someone else up without getting the same back in return. I didn't want this to be my forever. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and builds me up, just as much as I build them up. So this time when he said "Maybe we shouldn't be together and if I walk out that door I'm not coming back"to his and my own astonishment I retorted, "I'll help you pack your things."
Sometimes we find strength in our greatest moments of weakness. There is nothing I want more than to marry the man I fell in love with, but that man isn't there anymore. It's challenging loving someone for who they were, not who they are. As cliche as it sounds, people don't always grow together or in the same direction. So here I am heartbroken.
Doing what any devastated person would do, I tried to keep myself busy and focus on work. I don't mind my work, I would actually even like it if politics, poor structuring/management, and cronyism were left out, but that's what bureaucracies tend to do. It would also helped if I was paid a fraction of what I was worth. I found out I'm paid 32% less than the state average for people in my position, no wonder the turnover rate is so high. Did I mention I work in higher education and I'm one of three people with a graduate degree? Some resignations have came to light, some restructuring is going on and the upward direction I keep getting promised to head towards is nothing but a faint flicker that will soon be blown out by the restructure. My ambitions are too big to be in a place where I am unappreciated, overqualified and will remain stagnate. So begins the daunting question, What am I going to do with my life?
When I moved back here a year ago, I was happy. Happy to have a job, happy to be reunited with my love, happy to be with friends. In this last year 7, yes I repeat 7 of my friends have moved, several have gotten married, and a lot have had or are going to have a baby. So I asked myself, "What's left for me here?" I have 2 friends left here, I'm in a stagnate job, I'm single and my closest family is 7 hours away. Never in my life have I felt so alone, confused and unsure of God's plan for my life.
So what's a girl to do?
- I can stay here in my unhappy job, surrounded by married people with babies that just continually remind me how I haven't hit any of those milestones and that I am miserably, utterly, alone. I could always join one of the local gangs since being in a gang or popping out babies are the only cool things to do in this city during your twenties. However, my lack of desire to be impregnated and my whiteness rule me out from joining either of those clubs.
- I can return home to the middle of nowhere. I wouldn't be alone, I'd have family but I would be doing some other career I'm completely overqualified for (I mean I didn't go to school for 6 years to be a cocktail waitress) However, I would still be friendless and still single due to the lack of people that want to live in a nuclear wasteland. I also think there's a chance I'd end up adopting and hoarding wild dogs and becoming the local town wino.
Currently those are the two options I'm debating between. I'm applying for jobs in other cities, but haven't had any response yet. It would be nice to get another job, move somewhere new and start over fresh. I guess for now it's just a waiting game.
So that's my quarter life crisis: feeling the grievances of the two biggest heartaches in my life, wanting to relocate, and finding a new career, all of which are pretty big life changing events. I have faith that there's a life out there far better than this, and that is something I truly deserve. But until I come to terms with my broken heart, learn to be happy for myself and figure out what direction God wants me to go, I will be here in this crisis. Change doesn't happen over night, but I will work on healing one day (and probably a few barrels of wine) at a time .
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." -Oscar Wilde
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