Ahhh single-ship. Who ever hoped to be stranded on THAT boat (again)?
Being recently single isn't the worst thing ever, shoot it even has some perks! But in all honesty being single for the first time after a long term relationship is a big adjustment. Even in a lot of ways I never imagined. I could write a whole article on that… but I digress.
During my college days I was intermittently single, so the single-ship isn't all that unfamiliar. Granted I haven't been single for some huge span of time, but I haven't been on a first date in almost 3 years!
During the last few months my friends have been some really amazing, supportive people. From inviting me out, to listening to me vent, being inspiring, taking my mind off things and just being there for me; they've been great and have really helped me through a very difficult time in life.
However, sometimes your helping is actually hurting so... please stop. Friends, colleagues, coworkers, parents: I know you all mean well and have the best intentions in mind, but for the love of wine, think about what you're REALLY saying to me or how I could interpret it.
So here is a list of the things that all of us onboard the single-ship would like for you to please stop saying and/or thinking and/or doing. One day we will abandon ship or walk the plank or be the man (or woman) overboard and probably say these same arsholeish things… but until then please, just stop.
"There's plenty of fish in the sea"
You're right, there are plenty of fish in the sea. However, I'm a mermaid and cross-species dating isn't my thing. There are roughly six billion people in the world. About 1/2 are male. If we take out the ones that are under 18 (well let's be honest, 25 to account for maturity), the ones that are married, and the ones that are gay, that leaves a pretty small pool. Then if we factor in intellectual compatibility, similar interests and attraction… there's not a great deal of people left.
"You should just have some fun! You need a rebound"
Last time I checked, I didn't play for the Spurs. My broken heart won't be healed by a string of one night stands. In fact, it will probably just make me feel worse about myself and wonder what I'm doing with my life.
"You should try online dating"
Clearly. I have exhausted all other options of ever finding a seemingly normal person the traditional way and the only way anyone would ever go on a date with a freak like me is if they hadn't met me in person first. I'm single so there MUST be something wrong with me and I'm only capable of being with someone as equally messed up that I met via the web.
Maybe one day I'll try it,but for now... between the horror stories I've heard, not wanting to be the next Ted Bundy victim, not wanting to get rejected via an e-profile, and not wanting to meet some sap that just wants to get laid, I think I'll pass.
"Just wait until you have kids..."
First of all, who said I wanted kids? Don't get me wrong I love being an aunt, the shower thrower, your token friend without kids, but please stop acting like I haven't done anything with my life because I haven't procreated. I'm single and you have a family or are expanding your family…. it's almost like your kids are the salt on the unmarried wound I already have. I'm happy you're happy and your life is falling in place! Really I am! But mine isn't, so I feel like I haven't teed off yet and you're putting for birdie.
"When you get married..."
I've spent the last two years thinking I was fixing to be planning a wedding, but now I'm not. I'm glad to be a part of yours and yes I'd love nothing more than for you to look at my Pinterest boards and see how awesome I was picturing it being, but let's just not talk about it. I don't even have a prospective groom, so let's stop fantasizing about my dead dream. My real prince charming may be sick of weddings just like I am and we'll want to elope!
I agree. But tell Claire Underwood that. Admittedly this one is quite funny, but after I've heard it for the 50th time… it starts to make me question if you ever supported my former relationship. Even though it's over, it was a really big part of my life and heart. It's my job to call him a douche, but it's your job to say chin up darling, God has something better in mind.
Um DUH. Yes I know how awesome I am, which makes it all the more perplexing to me why I'm single. I'm good looking, I have a decent body, I'm intelligent, I have a good sense of humor.. I could keep going, but we both know how awesome I am (insert Barney Stinson self-five!). I appreciate you thinking I'm awesome, so please try to find someone equally awesome for me to date or someone who is at least seemingly compatible rather than asking me why I didn't get the number of the 55 year old man who kept winking at me at happy hour. I AM awesome, so I don't want to be pawned off to just anyone, especially if they are not of equal or greater awesomeness.
"You don't need anyone"
Yes I know that. If I did need someone that would be called codependency, which is frowned upon (particularly by educated, self sufficient women like myself). No I don't need anyone, but I want someone to share my companionship with just like you have.
"You're single by choice/It's easy to find someone to date"
You're right. I clearly elected to always be third wheel. I don't want to be, but yes I am that person currently. I'm not just going to settle for the next person that walks by. Please stop acting like singleness is some sort of leprosy.
"If I were you I'd date… "
FALSE. Just stop. No you wouldn't.
I spent, as I mentioned college intermittently single. I had friends tell me, "You should date so and so I would!" Oh really? Then why don't you? That's right.. you wouldn't date them either. Just because that's the only other single person you know doesn't mean that I should automatically date them. Seriously? You wouldn't even consider it. So unless I get amnesia and forget I have standards NO.
I already feel like a lame loser for trying to relate to a story you're telling by talking about my dad or ex boyfriend so that I fit in. (Whomp, whomp, whomp). Please stop trying to relate to me. I feel like we have nothing in common when you won't stop talking about your husband or kids. "It's so hard to get Junior to (insert parental task here)" You are trying to raise a human being, which is a horribly challenging task. I somehow don't see how talking about my day of office politics, walking around my house pantless, drinking a bottle of wine or eating a carton of ice-cream story is something you can really relate to right now or even something that you'd be interested in listening to.
"I know how you feel"
Do you? I'm seriously doubting that, considering you haven't been single since N*Sync had a chart topper and someone asked you out via a paper football. Not everyone finds the next love of their life the same week they broke up with the previous love of their life. Not all of us find "the one" in college. Dating isn't quite the same when you're out in the working world. So no, you have no idea how I feel. I thought I was fixing to get engaged and now I have to start dating all over again and that is TERRIFYING.
Please stop acting like you get married and live happily ever after. Getting married isn't some trophy you win. It isn't the end all, be all. I don't need to join the special Olympics because I'm single. You're not better than me because you're married, so please don't act like I have some disability because I'm not on the same level as you. Marriage isn't some prize you win after your life has fallen together perfectly.
"You should put yourself out there more"
It may be easy to find someone to date if you're Carrie Bradshaw or you have lots of other single friends to go out with, but currently I live in a city where none of my friends are single. I go to work, the gym, home (repeat). So unless someone finds me attractive while I'm doused in sweat or has some horrible reason to come to my office, we won't meet. And I haven't exactly met anyone I would go to dinner with at a bar. Besides when's the last time you went to dinner/a bar/a movie alone? Oh.. never.
Whoever said the average age of getting married for females in the US was 27, clearly didn't use South Texas in their sample. I might as well be a spinster at the ripe age of 25. Most people here are married, with kids by 25, making it difficult for an ambitious woman like me to find someone who has also not been married, doesn't have kids, and has a job. Did I mention I live in Corpus Christi, one of the douchiest cities in the nation? Trying to meet someone here that's not a baby daddy or isn't wearing an Affliction shirt is about as realistic as Bigfoot riding away on a unicorn.
"You're young and beautiful this should be the funnest part of your life"
I couldn't agree with you more. This should be a time I'm traveling the world, climbing the career ladder, dating whoever I want… but I'm not. I somehow feel like I'm light years behind everyone else because I haven't hit any major life milestones yet. By the time I get to have a bachelorette party, I'll have to provide daycare at it. This should be a great time of self exploration and freedom before I settle down, but I have no one to do it with. No significant other and no one who doesn't have to call and check in with the babysitter or hubs to do so. Everyone else started pairing up to get on the ark and I was just trying to get through grad school. Now I understand how the dinosaurs felt.
So there you have it the good, the bad, the ugly.
Being single isn't as glamorous as Sex and the City pretends it to be, but it's
not as miserable as Eeyore makes it out to be either. So to all you other
singles out there, I hope you can relate. To everyone else, as Ali so
eloquently puts it, "Sometimes it can be hard when someone who recently
just got married, or someone who was single at “some” point in their past,
tries to give lots of advice how to live the single life." (More of her blog here!)
So please, all I ask
of you is to just continue to love and support me, just the way I am.
XOXO
Cort
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