Over the past few months I've been keeping tabs on some of the perpetual posts that are the most irritating. I learned about the "hide from newsfeed" feature, where you can ever so inconspicuously keep these people in your life and off your newsfeed. After hiding the offenders of the following crimes, I will say Facebook has been a much more enjoyable experience. I've comprised the top 14 Facebook user I've found the most irritating, thus increasing my joy when I hide them. Tell me what you think and feel free to add to the list of anyone I might have missed!
The Top 14 Most Annoying Facebook Users:
14. The Poker
X poked you. X poked you. X poked you. X poked you. According to Facebook.com's Help Center: "People poke their friends or friends of friends on Facebook for a lot of reasons (ex: just saying hello, getting their attention)." First of all, if you really want to get my attention, show up with booze or food and you're pretty much golden. Stop poking me. I'm neither a fire nor is it 2007. Stop poking.
13. The Gamer
Games are awesome. I love games! However, I don't care what level you're on in Candy Crush, Pet Rescue Saga, Farmville or Underwater Tiddly Winks Basket Weaving. I play some of these too! Just hide it from your timeline bro. I've literally found friends who's solid timeline is nothing but beating different game levels. Just simply switch the share button to off. You'll win cool points.
12. The Stalker
Why did you just like my photo from Spring 2009? Why did you just like my status from 8 weeks ago? Seriously?! What are you doing?
I'm totally guilty of stalking people on Facebook. I might even be a professional stalker with all my social media and killer research resources. The key to stalking someone is not letting them know about it.
Blah invited you to this stupid event everyday, with everyone else in the world. If we're friends, you probably would have sent an actual invitation or message to your event. If this is a massive event you're trying to drum up support for, awesome. But if we haven't hung out since we were in college, don't live in the same city, and don't enjoy the same events, please don't invite me and all of your other 800 closest friends to your events multiple times a week.
10. The Overproud Mama
Babies are precious and do adorable things. I enjoy seeing funny/cute baby pictures and watching your child grow…. in doses. A picture or 2 a day is perfectly acceptable. However, I don't need to know a play by play of babyhood. Don't go on mommy overboard. Your child is precious and adorable to you, you're biologically programmed to think so. However no matter how amazing you think it is, you're kid is no Einstein for rolling over for the 800th time. If we're that close of friends, you'll message me adorable pictures, videos and the like and I'll actually go see your child I love in person, otherwise contain yourself.
This Facebook user gives you a play by play of statuses and photos daily: Junior woke me up early! Junior is eating so well today! Junior is napping! Junior spit up! Junior needs a bath! Junior ate lunch! Junior took a shit! Well…. I don't give a shit about Junior's shits. I'm pretty sure you'd be annoyed if I gave you a rundown of my day. Just got to work! Just stapled a paper! Just made a copy! Just entered data! Just gave a presentation! Just went to lunch! Bored yet? I am and it's my story.
9. The Lovebirds
Facebook has in my opinion and experience (and psychological research) done nothing but put strife into relationships. Facebook can be a great way to show love, IN MODERATION. If you're constantly tagging your significant other, posting about how much you love them, or you're the only person that's written on their wall… usually the contrary is happening. If you're that damn happy you should be making out with your lover, not letting everyone else in the world know how much you want them to know you're faking happy.
8. The Meteorologist
There's these wonderful technological innovations we have been blessed with that can all tell us about the weather: apps, the internet, the television, the radio, walking outside…. Thank you sir. I had no idea it was ball freezing cold outside until you posted it. I'm so glad to know. What?! You're sweating and posted a picture because its 105 outside?! How is that possible? (I really wish there was a sarcasm font)
7. The Bi-Polar Updater
If I can give you a clinical diagnosis or question your sanity based off of your status updates… there's your sign.
I'm the luckiest guy on earth to be with her! I can't believe I'm alone again. So glad things worked out I couldn't be happier. Cheaters will ALWAYS be cheaters. Life is great and falling back together. I want to crawl in a dark pit and die. OMG me and my gf are pregnant!
Crazy?! Yes… Yes it is. If these are what your status updates look like within a few days or even hours of each other, please seek professional guidance and medication.
6. The Political Guru
I love people who are strong in their beliefs, I'm one of them. But engaging in a political debate on Facebook is annoying for everyone involved. First of all, people usually don't argue too logically on Facebook, which is even more irritating than what they're arguing about. Secondly, if you really feel that passionate about an issue, join an activist group and do something about it instead of bitching. Lastly, do you really think you're going to engage in blind conversation and convince someone to change their mind on an issue via Facebook? Go to a coffee shop, meet this person in person and intelligiblely argue your points, instead of hiding behind technology.
5. The WTF Would You Post Thater
There are things we post on Facebook: funny things, pictures, quotes, prayer requests, news, lyrics. However there is a very definite line between things acceptable to post to Facebook and things acceptable to only tell your therapist. There's really no grey area here.
4. The Perpetual Gym Goer
Dingleberry checked in at gym. Dingleberry is with their personal trainer. Dingleberry posts pictures of their workout supplements. Dingleberry has their app linked to tell you how many calories they burned today. Dingleberry has a cheat day and eats 1 whole slice of pizza. Dingleberry checked in at the gym again. Dingleberry is a perpetual pain in the ass. Unless Dingleberry went to the gym and recorded someone falling off the treadmill and smacking their face, I'm not interesting in how many times they go to the gym or eat right.
3. The Self Liker
Do you know a person that likes their own statuses? Do you know a person who is over the age of 18 and takes constant selflies? You may recognize this person because they:
a. have entire albums dedicated to themselves and the selfies they took
b. they post random quotes or vague song lyrics with their selfies for attention
c. they like what they post
If you need that much attention, get a dog, or a minion. If you don't like what you post.. then WTF would you post it? Liking your own stuff is like high-fiving yourself. Instead you need a high five… in the crotch with a baseball bat.
Everyone knows that person that checks in to the doctor's office or emergency room. Unless you've been committed to the insane asylum, are giving birth or are in the emergency room for trying to do an Evil Knievel stunt that you videoed, there is no need to tell anyone on Facebook about it. "What's happened?" "Oh private message me; I'll tell you later; Just a minor boo boo" STAWWWWP. If you don't want anyone to know why you're there… then don't let them know where you are. Stop baiting a hook to jerk it away. If it's a minor boo boo… stop wasting time, money and valuable medical resources at the emergency room.
1. The Show Ruiner
There is a very special place in hell reserved for these people. Before I found the "hide" feature, I would actually refuse to get on Facebook until I got caught up on a show or saw a movie. Some of us have other responsibilities or obligations and may not be able to watch a show right as it premiered. Spare us. Please. If I was that anxious to know how something ended, I would have read the book first or googled show spoilers. If you want to say that was a great ending… go for it. But if you are the sorry mother effer that spoils the plot or ending for me, you can go play with gasoline and matches. I don't parade around your house telling your kid Santa isn't real, but trust me I will more than volunteer to give them that news and bursts their bubble, the way you did mine. Please quit crushing my soul.
There are shows I've waited weeks/months to watch and some idiot on Facebook gives away how it ends. Stop being a loud mouth. Keep it to yourself. I promise you won't pressure cook by not telling everyone on Facebook how a movie or show turned out. I actually can pretty accurately predict you'll continue to live on just fine. Your safety however is not guaranteed if you ruin another show, book or movie for me, or anyone else for that matter.
And thus concludes the top 14.
I know one person that has no less than committed 8 of these 14 heinous acts. I can't decide whether they should stay hidden, whether they should be deleted or whether I should just keep them around because they make me feel good about myself. Thoughts?
What about you? Any other awful Facebook users you know?
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