All of my friends who are older than me have been telling me to live it up while I still have the chance. They claim that it's all downhill after you turn 28. According to them I have 2 more years until gravity and hard reality start hitting. I always thought they were exaggerating, or just reminiscing their glory days, but maybe I was wrong.
I don't know if I'm an early bloomer or just an over achiever, but I think I've ALREADY hit that point. I've overshot my prime.
Here are some of the Ugly Truths no one warned me about. These truths may hit you a bit earlier or a bit later depending on circumstances; but make no mistake, when they hit they hit hard.
People Will Always Be Asking You What's Next
For some reason everyone wants you to rush to the next phase of life.
If you're married:
They went to know when you'll be having a baby! Didn't you know that spending alone time together is what dating was for? Now make your in-laws grandparents!
If you already have a baby:
People want to know when you're having another! Poor little junior shouldn't be an only child. What a lonely life! You really need to get busy in the sheets and make them a sibling... because that's clearly the first thing on your mind after changing diapers and picking up messes all day, is the thought of all that work doubling.
If you're dating:
They want to know when you're getting engaged. You two are hitting it off so well! Do I hear wedding bells in the future? You're getting older, it's really time to start thinking about settling down. (Because the weddings you attend every other weekend aren't enough of a reminder)
If you're single:
People have just started to assume that you are somehow mentally unstable. There are also hushed whispered during holidays that you just may be a closeted lesbian. Normal people aren't single at this age (at least according to everyone else who is not single).
You Are Desperate to Make Friends
There are very few places you go as an adult to make friends. If you don't have co-workers near your age, or aren't in an extra curricular organization, it can be near impossible. Any tiny thing you have in common with someone, you think you will instantaneously be friends.
Guy at gym has his collegiate shirt on. OMG did you go to college? ME TOO! Did we just become best friends?!
I do yoga and drink wine at a local wine bar. I went solo the other day, but no regulars had shown up yet that I could talk to. Another girl was sitting at the bar alone. I strike up casual conversation with her. She also does yoga and drinks wine. She totally asked for my number. Holler! This is a victory. Someone else is just as desperate to not go out alone as I am.
When You Do Make New Friends, It's Even Scarier Than Dating
Dating in your later twenties is interesting because you've sort of figured out this whole romance thing. On the one hand, your list of wants in a partner becomes not so detailed. You're willing to put up dating the guy in the fantasy football league as long as he'll agree to go with you to brunch. On the other hand your list has become more rigorous in that you can instantly mark off certain characteristics because... lesson learned. No job? No thanks. I have a built up IRA. I don't have time for your pipe dreams.
Making friends however, you still have a big open heart and are willing to look past whatever imperfections they may have because as mentioned before, you are desperate to make friends.
Ok so you just made a new friend. You've hung out. But NOW WHAT? Do you get their number? Is it too early to call them? Should I wait 3 days to send them a text? How many times do we have to hang out before I can add them on FaceBook and stalk them?
I'm really hungry, maybe they want to go eat. Ohhh wait.. is dinner too big of a commitment? Maybe I should just ask if they want to get an appetizer. Yeah I could definitely go for an appetizer.
I should send them this article. Oh wait we don't really know each other. What if this offends them? What if they don't get my humor? Oh crap, should I send a smiley face emoticon? Ahhh what if they never talk to me again?!Ok I can totally see you read my message and you haven't responded in hours. They think I'm a horrible person and don't know why I'm talking them. Oh phew they responded.. Yay! I'm not crazy.
And that's why new friends are scarier than dates. Because if things aren't going my way on a date I say peace out douche. But with a new friend it's so much different. Please just like me!
You Have Invigorating Conversations About the Dullest Things
With adult life comes adult responsibilities. With those responsibilities comes conversations about the dullest things in the world and (spoiler alert) you will actually be excited to talk about them.
Just the other day me and my best friend had a conversation about laundry detergent. Yes laundry detergent. How dull. We also have hour longer conversations about how much better I'm sleeping on my new mattress, what kind of flooring she should get in her house, the weather and how vinegar really does cure everything. Watch out People Magazine.. we're so scandalous.
Every weekend it seems like there's some event that you have to contribute to that's not centered around you. Engagement parties, wedding showers, weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, backyard BBQs... they happen constantly. And for each event you need a new outfit. And for each event you need to bring a gift. And for each event you might have to travel to a unique location. Or you may have to pitch in for food or booze or some sort of supplies. But you do it. And you begrudgingly like to do it because these are where you make lifelong memories. And it'll be your turn one day right? Maybe? Hopefully? Fingers crossed.
You Will Spend An Equally Large Amount of Your Income on Booze to Cope with Such Events
The good news about being adult is that almost every event has alcohol. If it doesn't, you might as well drink before you go, because face it; watching other people get married is extremely boring, but a little buzz can make it more entertaining. Sometimes it's even tempting to tailgate at kids birthday parties. Because 20 screaming children, hyped up on sugar is not quite so annoying if you're tipsy.
Alcohol is also central to late twenties life. You can't ask your co-workers to dinner, but a drink after work is totally acceptable.
Did you have a bad day? Well thanks merlot... glad you're there for me.
Check Facebook. Oh look 4 more engagements and 2 more pregnancy announcements today. Ugh I'll have to get them gifts. Gosh I need some wine to cope with this.
You Will Not Be Able to Bounce Back the Next Morning After Drinking Said Booze
Hangovers? Yeah that shit got real. I'm not talking your early twenties, mild headache. I'm not talking being hungover and puking after drinking 15 different types of pot shots from the frat house. I'm talking about innocently drinking one too many and feeling the repercussions for the next several days.
Gone are the days 2 advil, a pedialyte pop and a Subway sandwich will cure a hangover and make me feel human again. No, now it's more like at least 12 hours in bed, extra strength tylenol, chicken noodle soup, a gallon of water and feeling sore for 3 days. Oh liver, I wish I could hug you and say I'm sorry.
You Have Different Scenes/Tastes
If I walk into any establishment where it's so dark I can't see, or the music is so loud I have to raise my voice to talk... it's not for me. Those places were all the rage in my under 20s... but no more. Seriously why is this music SOO loud? What does fleek even mean? Take me to a nice patio with acoustic music. Or a place to eat brunch. Or a Farmer's Market.
I used to drink awful wine. Why? Because it was cheap and got the job done. Oak Leaf from CVS was $2.99 a bottle. Score. Special occasions called for Yellow Tail. In my later 20s I can't even drink a sip of these unless I've already had 3 or 4 glasses of something else much more palette friendly, that costs over $7/bottle.
Your Metabolism Also Hates You
I'm not sure exactly why this happens, but science has actually proved that your metabolism starts slowing down in your later twenties. And I can totally feel it. Just the other day I smelled a cupcake and gained 4 pounds. And trying to work off those extra four pounds is crippling. I did a cartwheel on a dare and swear I was sore for a week.
Rest is a Necessity
Remember just a few years ago in grad school how you would wake up go to work, go to internship, go to school, go out with friends, do homework, sleep for 4 hours and do it all over again the next day? What the hell happened?
I now require at least 8 hours of sleep. Most days I'm in bed before 9, and if I'm not I require a nap before partaking in any after work activities. I need naps now way more than I did in kindergarten. But forget sleeping in... you'll be wide awake at 8:20 on a Saturday, despite being exhausted.
And that folks, is the ugly truth no one warned me about. All you young 20 somethings... BEWARE. Anyone else in my boat.. be my friend? Grab a drink? I love you!
And that folks, is the ugly truth no one warned me about. All you young 20 somethings... BEWARE. Anyone else in my boat.. be my friend? Grab a drink? I love you!
No comments:
Post a Comment