I’ve been a bridesmaid 7 times now (watch out Katherine
Heigl I’m catching up quickly). Being asked to be a part of someone’s special
day is both flattering and honorable.
Out of all the 7 billion people in the world, you were among a select
few that made it to a small group that was chosen to stand by someone on what
is one of the most important days of their life; how special are you?! However,
nostalgia and glory aside, it’s a quite abysmal experience.
1. It’s Expensive
When I agreed to do these shin digs, I didn’t know how much
money they’d cost! You’re expected to
buy an engagement gift, then throw a shower and bachelorette party. Not to mention the outfits you need for both
of these. Then you need to drop some serious dough on some hideous dress and
shoes, that even though they assure you that you can, you will absolutely never
wear again. Not to mention the mani-pedi, makeup and hair you need to pay for.
Oh and don’t forget the wedding gift! If
it’s an out of town wedding, you’ll need to pay for travel and hotel. Things
add up quickly. Shower supplies $400.
Dress $200. Shoes $100 Hotel
$200. Watching the couple get divorced in a few years: Not so priceless.
2.
You have to be submissive
I’m a pretty blunt person, but when it comes to being a
bridesmaid, a fair rule is “what the bride wants the bride gets.” You need to agree with almost everything for
the sake of both the bride’s and your own sanity. Turquoise and fuchsia? Of course those colors
will be perfect together (said no one over the age of 6 ever). Of course your
marriage will work out even though you met at a club and have only been dating
6 months and you're 10 years in age apart. I can’t wait to wear a floor length
gown in your July wedding in Texas! Sure you should have a cash bar (because I
just dropped $1,200 to be here, but an $8 bottle of wine is out of the
question).
3.
You Have to Do Bitch Work
Whether it’s setting up chairs, making bouquets or holding
up a wedding dress while the bride pees… it’s in your duties to be her
bitch. Most of the weddings I’ve been in
wanted to do some DIY projects to save on expenses. DIY translates to 2 crafty bridesmaids uniting and making everything. If you have to bustle a dress or crawl under 20 layers of tulle
to switch out regular panties for bridal panties because she forgot earlier,
you just might be a bridesmaid.
4.
Knowing Every Detail
Your sweet friend is so stressed out because she’s been
planning a huge party, dealing with two crazy families and trying to make sure
she still loves the poor sap she’s marrying (because I literally know 0 couples
that didn’t spend the week leading up to their nuptials fighting) that you will
need to be the one to keep calm and know every detail. Why is the florist bringing in light pink
peonies? Nope take them back, we clearly ordered medium pink peonies. No
caterer she wanted grape tomatoes not cherry tomatoes. This is really important
to her. Uncle Jim cannot sit next to her
mom’s friend, he called her fat at a party back in 1999 and they haven’t spoken
since. Knowing all these minute,
meaningless details is a must on bridesmaid's resume.
5.
Bachelorette Parties
Something about having different women from all phases of
the bride’s life in one room, mixed with booze and penis paraphernalia is just
a recipe for disaster. At least one girl is going to have an emotional meltdown
because she was just broken up with. At
least one will refuse to do something or try to run the show, even though it’s
not her day. If there’s a future sister in law present, you need to make sure
she’s not snap chatting the fiancé. As if trying to tone down the drama wasn’t
enough on your plate, you need to wear some crazy outfit like a tutu, or
colored wig so everyone knows you’re part of a bachelorette party so they’ll
buy you free shots (because clearly a group of 10 matching girls doesn’t
signify that enough).
6.
Getting Hit On
Wearing a bridesmaid dress has become the social equivalent
of the 90’s tramp stamp. Men think that
your panties will magically drop if you’re in the bridal party. Whether it’s the creepy drunkle, a groomsmen,
or the bartender, taffeta somehow emits a pheromone that makes them think you
are DTF. Yes you’ve spent all day
talking about love, yes you’re here alone and wonder when/if you’ll ever get
married, but you’re not that desperate… not yet at least.
7.
Realizing it’s Not About You
Your friend got engaged! That’s so great! She deserves a
life of happiness. You are genuinely
excited for her and can’t wait to post it on Facebook and Instagram the moment
he proposed because you totally nailed that via iphone… and this lasts for
about a day. Then you realize your life
is filled with doing things for the bride and nothing is about you ever again
until after the wedding. She needs help
picking out engagement picture outfits, you need to help address the
invitations, you need to go with her dress shopping, etc. You can’t wait to
look gorgeous all dolled up in makeup and professional hair styling and then
you realize it doesn’t matter because literally no one will be paying attention
to you all day (well except the men that are hitting on you).
8.
Putting Your Own Life in Check
Nothing makes you think about where you’re at in life more
than one of your friends getting married. I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I’ve been single and starting to wonder if
I’ll ever get married, or even date anyone decent ever again. I might just buy
a cat now and start the spinster life early.
I’ve also been in serious relationships when I’ve been a
bridesmaid. Wait.. where is this
going? We’ve been dating 2 years and
we’re attending a wedding of people who’ve only known each other 9 months. Am I
wasting my time? What am I doing with my life? There’s too much thinking going
on. Breathe and have another drink so
you don’t have a Britney Spear’s 2007 meltdown.
9.
Your liver hurts
I mean you have to have some way of coping with things not
being about you, spending tons of money and being submissive right? It’s no coincidence they serve mimosas at
wedding shops. They know your pain. Your
liver also hurts from the bottle of merlot you drank while crying that you
didn’t know where your life was going. It
also hurts from all those shots during the bachelorette party. You’re also
drinking to celebrate a lovely union.
Bring on the champagne! I’ve
gotten drunk multiple times in one day at weddings. You get nice and tipsy while getting ready,
then adrenaline kicks in for the ceremony, then it’s reception time! You can’t let the bottle you stashed under the
table go to waste, nor can you resist
the free drinks you deserve all night.
Bartender, you see these heinous dress? It’s a free drinks all night
ticket. Thanks.
And then one day, it’ll be your turn! (or you can just elope
and never put anyone through the bridesmaid struggle again. End the cycle).
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